Last week America’s sweetheart, Punxsutawney Phil-appointed over his daughter Ivanka by Donald Trump-saw his shadow in the Pennsylvania town that’s historic for no reason. According to rich American culture, the shadow sighting means winter will last for another six weeks regardless of anyone’s thermal observations. Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist and former Breitbart News executor, … Continue reading Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow; Steve Bannon confirms climate change is a myth

University officials released in a statement today that W&L will be joining 12 other east coast schools in the Safe Space Consortium. Headquartered in Brooklyn, NY, the SSC is bringing elite colleges together in a noble attempt to create the country’s first 3,000 square mile echo chamber. The news follows widespread campus reports of students … Continue reading W&L to join Safe Space Consortium

WASHINGTON - Three days after taking office, Trump seems to have put the cherry on top of his all-star cabinet with a “very special” nomination. Serving as its first-ever secretary, NJ Governor Chris Christie’s term as Head Ranger will begin immediately. “It’s what I’ve been waiting for,” Christie said about receiving the political nod, adding … Continue reading Beaming Chris Christie named secretary of NASA Junior Space Ranger program

In the wake of the recent election, Meze Feza, the Mediterranean mogul, shockingly ended the long period of 3rd-year housing food satisfaction with a resounding win in the exit polls. Culinary pundits on both sides incorrectly predicted the final results of the polls, giving Mexicoop a +5% edge in the early day polls. Running on … Continue reading The Death of Mexicoop and Democracy at W&L

WASHINGTON - Using the same strong-armed diplomacy seen with Carrier and Ford, the students of Trump University, and ex-wives Ivana and Marla, President-Elect Trump has once again exercised his business acumen to get what he wants. This time, it’s 90s pop idol Mariah Carey. “I have the best words,” Trump said about the successful negotiation. … Continue reading Previously unavailable Mariah Carey named headliner for inauguration, Trump reports

The forlorn former Presidential candidate was spotted Thursday by a Peer Counselor out for a jog, who, slightly concerned, described the scene. “She was just, sort of, softly crying to herself, occasionally kicking the dirt under the feet,” the Peer Counselor reported, who soon sat down beside Clinton, put an arm around her shoulder, and … Continue reading Sighing Hillary Clinton found skipping rocks alone along Woods Creek

An unnamed Woods Creek resident pulled out her trusty Rainbow flipflops yesterday, only to find they were covered in mold. Shocked, the resident looked around and realized that there was mold on her walls that she hadn’t noticed before. “That explains my 5 diagnoses of pink eye this semester” laughed the resident, nervously. After pondering … Continue reading Woods creek residents offered $20 from facilities to “keep this mold between us”

On an election day full of surprises, one person in particular seemed to be taking Trump’s improbable win to heart. As the results trickled in, Ann Coulter was seen pacing, pale in the face, and visibly upset about the results. Confused, a Radish reporter interviewed her and quickly realized that her stress was not tied … Continue reading Ann Coulter “bummed” she won’t be able to be wildly offensive at Mock Con 2020