Previously unavailable Mariah Carey named headliner for inauguration, Trump reports

WASHINGTON – Using the same strong-armed diplomacy seen with Carrier and Ford, the students of Trump University, and ex-wives Ivana and Marla, President-Elect Trump has once again exercised his business acumen to get what he wants. This time, it’s 90s pop idol Mariah Carey.

“I have the best words,” Trump said about the successful negotiation. “This inauguration will be the best ever, yuge.”

To set the tone for the next four years of American government, Carey is expected to lip sync such classics as “Always Be My Baby,” “All I Want for Christmas is You,” and “Technical Difficulties While 60 Million Watch.” Most excitingly, Carey will close with the duet “We Belong Together” alongside Russia’s own Vladimir Putin.

“It’s an honor,” said Carey’s backup music, “it’s an honor.”

A shirtless Chris Christie, the night’s backup performer, reportedly expressed relief upon hearing the news.

– Wells Carson ’22 & Ford Carson ’18