Last week America’s sweetheart, Punxsutawney Phil-appointed over his daughter Ivanka by Donald Trump-saw his shadow in the Pennsylvania town that’s historic for no reason. According to rich American culture, the shadow sighting means winter will last for another six weeks regardless of anyone’s thermal observations.

Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist and former Breitbart News executor, chimed in on the little guy’s sighting in a press conference the following weekend; “It goes to show that global warming truly is a hoax, you don’t need to live in a hole to know that.”

The nation has been more polarized than ever about the topic of climate change with nearly 50% of Americans believing that anthropogenic global warming is a myth. That statistic also coincides with the percentage of Americans who cannot define “polarized” or “anthropogenic.”  The Trump administration recently funded a climate study showing the rise in sea level is not due to melting ice, but rather liberal tears. The president himself commented on the liberal hysterics supposedly ruining the environment, tweeting “That’s what happens when you get your degree from weenie hut jr. and not an accredited college. Pathetic!”

Bannon went on to explain the poor job these “weather people” have done when it comes to climate research. “Even a groundhog is more qualified than these people! We don’t need TV celebrities lying to us about the environment and the state of the world!”

Bannon has not been seen publicly since the conference.

-Story & Headline by Marta Regn ’19, Image by Wilson Miller ’17