Sighing Hillary Clinton found skipping rocks alone along Woods Creek

The forlorn former Presidential candidate was spotted Thursday by a Peer Counselor out for a jog, who, slightly concerned, described the scene.

“She was just, sort of, softly crying to herself, occasionally kicking the dirt under the feet,” the Peer Counselor reported, who soon sat down beside Clinton, put an arm around her shoulder, and asked what was wrong. A highly trained professional, the Peer Counselor was ready for this exact scenario.

“I’m just so stupid!” Clinton muttered, encircled by empty soda cans and a spiteful cigarette butt. “I lost! Okay? I have no friends and I’m never going to amount to anything.”

“That’s not true,” the Peer Counselor quickly interjected, while slowly rubbing her back. “Any country would be lucky to have you. You’re very special.”

“You’re just saying that!” Clinton shot back defensively.

“Hey, hey, look at me,” the Peer Counselor said. “Jill Stein is helping spur a recount right now. A whole lot of people out there think you’re slightly less terrible than the alternative.”

Clinton sniffled, looked up with misty eyes and a quivering lip, and asked if the Peer Counselor meant it.

“Of course I do,” the Peer Counselor said with a hug and a grin. “You’re only 69-years-old, you’ve got plenty of time to…uh, you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. Let’s go get some ice cream.“

Throwing one final stone into the water, feeling slightly comforted by the Peer Counselor’s kindness, Clinton agreed.

“As long as I get mint chocolate chip!”

-Ford Carson ’18