“Fuck this guy,” God whispered to Himself while watching Larry Baker, 78, try to sleep through W&L’s graduation ceremony. Angling the Sun in order to create maximum blindness and discomfort, He would ensure that Larry’s grandson, senior Jared Baker, would receive as little attention as possible from his parents, who would be too busy taking … Continue reading God to glare Sun specifically in grandfather’s eyes during graduation ceremony

Nursing homes spoke and America’s largest tech company listened: larger buttons, four apps, a car alarm ringtone, waterproof and ultra ultra shockproof casing, and a minute-by-minute pollen count monitor will all be included in the all new iPhone Silver Edition, available for a limited time. Bingo. CEO Tim Cook, who reportedly spearheaded the idea following … Continue reading Apple unveils new iPhone Silver in effort to reach more elderly clientele

Having just consumed The Last Supper® with the squad, senior Anne Jamison returned to the nicest room she'd inhabit for the next decade, beginning the days-long process of stuffing everything she owned in sad little cardboard boxes. Everything, that is, that she couldn't pawn off to an unsuspecting sophomore as a "moving out deal." A … Continue reading “Only one more week!” exclaims sweating, pale senior

“She just like whispered something about an eagle in distress, then they all swooped into this coordinated like...formation. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Freshman Freddie Lowstein, still bewildered by the sleight of hand of a few hours prior, recounted the scene he’d just witnessed during Saturday night’s ΣΣΔ basement soiree. “Where did they learn … Continue reading Woman’s friends reveal Secret Service-like training when casual DFM attempts to leave dancefloor alongside her

Zipping across the day’s biggest wave with an unmatched velocity, confidence, and poise, area dough boy Freddie Muhler, 14, showed the rest of Myrtle Beach how much fun there was to be had without a boogie board. That is, of course, only if you’ve got an appropriately buoyant body type. “I’ll admit, it’s pretty amazing … Continue reading Chubby kid at the beach a damn impressive body-surfer, if we’re being honest