WASHINGTON – Three days after taking office, Trump seems to have put the cherry on top of his all-star cabinet with a “very special” nomination. Serving as its first-ever secretary, NJ Governor Chris Christie’s term as Head Ranger will begin immediately.

“It’s what I’ve been waiting for,” Christie said about receiving the political nod, adding that his many months of indentured servitude in pursuit of the Presidency and Attorney Generalship were “worth it.” His wife, and an intensely jealous Joe Biden, did not care to comment on the development.

Christie, promising to take the big responsibility seriously, has even outlined a few major goals for the program. Among them, an all-hands-on-deck effort to finish the international space station Lego replica in the lobby, the securing of emergency Congressional funds for additional research and development of the Nerf N-Strike Fire Rhino Series Elite Blaster, and the expedited design of “one of those gravity chairs from WALL-E,” presumably for personal use.

Both chambers of Congress, the majority of the Supreme Court, and the President all immediately agreed with all recommendations put forth.

-Ford Carson ’18