An unnamed Woods Creek resident pulled out her trusty Rainbow flipflops yesterday, only to find they were covered in mold. Shocked, the resident looked around and realized that there was mold on her walls that she hadn’t noticed before. “That explains my 5 diagnoses of pink eye this semester” laughed the resident, nervously.

After pondering whether or not she could still sell the flipflops on Lexchange, the resident put in a work order with facilities to remove the mold. Within the hour, a member of facilities management was in the apartment staring at the walls. The resident then claimed that he started quickly scribbling a check with “hush money” written on the memo line.

When questioned about the money, the resident admitted, “I ran out of meal swipes on Wednesday so, I didn’t really have a choice. I had to take it.”

It is unclear what measures the university will take next, but considering the 16,000 colonies of stink bugs reported to be in living Woods Creek, we can safely assume nothing. The resident advised all of her other Woods Creek tenants to “stay woke.” –Marta Regn ‘19