On an election day full of surprises, one person in particular seemed to be taking Trump’s improbable win to heart.

As the results trickled in, Ann Coulter was seen pacing, pale in the face, and visibly upset about the results. Confused, a Radish reporter interviewed her and quickly realized that her stress was not tied to national politics, but her ability to simultaneously piss off 1,800 students in 20 minutes of speaking at Mock Con 2020

“I’m pretty upset,” Coulter explained. “I really relished the opportunity to compare immigrants to rat feces, and now that can’t happen.” Also lamenting her missed opportunity to lampoon the LGBT community, African-Americans, women, and even Jews, she halfheartedly tossed her notecards on the ground and gently shook her head. “Damn,” she whispered, refusing to comment further due emotional distress and the Radish reporter’s Latino-sounding last name.

-Balen Essak ’20