Daniel Starr, Class of 2025, was found to be hip, relatable and cool when leading his Volunteer Venture trip to Washington State during Pre-Orientation, now termed “Leading Edge” for some reason. “I know the froshies were scared when we were on the bus to the place, but I yelled ‘noice’ every time we passed a … Continue reading Pre-O Leader Really Cool and Relatable
The town was shocked when they heard the news of freshman Kyle Troup’s brutal dismembering. It all began on the quiet night of October 15th, when Troup was walking home from the library. As soon as he tried to cross the quad, a pickup truck with farm plates filled with five young, strong, handsome townies … Continue reading Trav Dispatch Extends Hours 15 Minutes After Small Freshman Boy Drawn and Quartered by Townies
We've all been there. You exit the party, thrilled you're leaving at just the right time. Not too early, not too late, right? You strut down to the Trav stop. And then, you see the winding line of students slowly pushing towards the orange cones. But! No need to panic. We've compiled a step-by-step guide … Continue reading How to Handle an Overcrowded Trav Line
The elusive out-of-town girlfriend of that guy on your hall has magically appeared for Fancy Dress. After nearly a year of existing only in vague mentions and the occasional tag in a Facebook meme, the out-of-town girlfriend arrived late last night from a school you can't quite remember. "I kind of thought she … Continue reading Out-of-town Girlfriend Materializes for Fancy Dress Weekend
Instagram servers experienced an annual surge of activity as enthusiastic new sorority members plastered their Greek letters all over social media last Monday evening. “My social media presence finally feels complete,” said Marie Smith, a new member of Alpha Phi Beta Gamma Delta Psi. Smith wanted all her friends and family to see that she was … Continue reading Addition of Greek letters to freshman girl’s Instagram bio signals end of formal recruitment
Friday Underground was placed on social probation last week when university officials discovered that many members had violated several major recruitment policies. “We were shocked to find that Friday Underground had, among other violations, given coffee to First Year students” said the concerned Director of Residence and Greek Life. “They were also found to have been hosting … Continue reading Friday Underground on probation after serving coffee to first years
Franklin Petraefus, 19, returned to his home in Richmond, VA, to find an unexpected amount of maturity and experience awaiting him from his former high school acquaintances. Frankin, a formerly mild-mannered young man, was excited to tell his “old best friends” how “cool" he had become, only to discover that each of them had stories … Continue reading Freshman returns home, surprised to find high school friends have changed, too
While O-Week served as a promising start to the year, Graham-Lees residents continue to cook after a steamy mid-September heat wave — following two weeks of introductory classes, too, the heat has been really getting to students' heads. "You feel like you're ascending into hell, not descending" a fourth-floor resident said, drenched in sweat, while … Continue reading Elevator, common rooms not masking Graham-Lees’ shit AC, though productivity on the rise
In an attempt to impress his new-found friends, George Foreman, ‘21, stands in the thirty-minute poster fair line, prepared to invest his summer savings on overlarge posters of bikini-clad women. Clinging onto his Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner posters showcasing sparkly string bikinis, George envisions his suave dorm room to attract girls of the same … Continue reading 5’2″ Freshman Boy Stands in Poster Line with 50 Sports Illustrated Bikini Posters of Gigi Hadid
The Radish 