University officials released in a statement today that W&L will be joining 12 other east coast schools in the Safe Space Consortium. Headquartered in Brooklyn, NY, the SSC is bringing elite colleges together in a noble attempt to create the country’s first 3,000 square mile echo chamber. The news follows widespread campus reports of students becoming increasingly “appalled” by dissenting opinions found throughout their respective Facebook feeds.

Members of the student body were notably elated upon hearing the news. When asked about her opinion on the matter, Beth Sterling ’18, a Philosophy and Philosophy double major, added that she is particularly invigorated by the decision to join the SSC, and has decided to pick up a Poverty Studies minor in celebration.

Joining the SSC is no small feat. Member-schools must adhere to a strict set of guidelines.

First, W&L will roll out Weather101 this fall, a seminar intended for students who find themselves unsettled by disagreement. The course, which includes no cumbersome reading or anxiety-inducing class discussion, simply involves a professor explaining how today’s weather compares to yesterday’s and tomorrow’s weather.

Next, all loaded fries will be made with organic, gluten-free, non-GMO, fair trade, free-range potatoes.

Finally, students will no longer receive letter grades for their class performance. Rather, glittery participation stickers will be awarded on a daily basis in tandem with a don’t-forget-that-you’re-awesome pat on the back.

The jury is still out if scratch and sniff stickers will be available upon request.

-Peyton Powers ’18