Month: December 2022

Influx of high school seniors doubles fraternities’ dating pool

~ The Radish

With early decision season approaching, touring high school seniors have flocked to campus in hopes of signing half-a-million dollars away to cry daily for four years.  However, for our renowned campus fraternities, this annual minor inconvenience represents a great triumph for brothers who are down bad. The influx of minors and barely adults has, according … Continue reading Influx of high school seniors doubles fraternities’ dating pool

Elon Musk Purchases the Ring Tum Phi

~ The Radish

After his successful acquisition of Twitter, the world’s richest man has set his sights on Lexington’s beloved Ring Tum Phi. This most recent update leaves only The Radish as a trustworthy source of news, and The Spectator as the school’s sole satire publication.  “He just walked onto campus and gave me a truck with a … Continue reading Elon Musk Purchases the Ring Tum Phi

Revised FDR requirements to reflect dystopian hellscape students expected to inherit

~ The Radish

After withering criticism from the campus’ right wing, including a brilliantly drawn cartoon, the University has retracted their proposed updates to the required curriculum of all students. In the place of those plans, the university has proposed a new, practical education to prepare students “for the dystopian hellscape your generation will inherit.” “With issues like … Continue reading Revised FDR requirements to reflect dystopian hellscape students expected to inherit