Author: The Radish

Beaming Chris Christie named secretary of NASA Junior Space Ranger program

~ The Radish

WASHINGTON - Three days after taking office, Trump seems to have put the cherry on top of his all-star cabinet with a “very special” nomination. Serving as its first-ever secretary, NJ Governor Chris Christie’s term as Head Ranger will begin immediately. “It’s what I’ve been waiting for,” Christie said about receiving the political nod, adding … Continue reading Beaming Chris Christie named secretary of NASA Junior Space Ranger program

The Death of Mexicoop and Democracy at W&L

~ The Radish

In the wake of the recent election, Meze Feza, the Mediterranean mogul, shockingly ended the long period of 3rd-year housing food satisfaction with a resounding win in the exit polls. Culinary pundits on both sides incorrectly predicted the final results of the polls, giving Mexicoop a +5% edge in the early day polls. Running on … Continue reading The Death of Mexicoop and Democracy at W&L

Area freshman vows to take all life advice from Student Health 101

~ The Radish

After a recent Health Center visit for a BAC he described as “waaaaay too high, bro,” area freshman Thomas Tucker has vowed to take all life advice from W&L’s grand oracle of well-being, Student Health 101. Tucker wakes up at 7:30 every morning and begins his day with a high-intensity workout of 10 sit-ups, 5 … Continue reading Area freshman vows to take all life advice from Student Health 101

IFC votes to replace bid system with omnipotent, convoluted computer algorithm

~ The Radish

Unsatisfied with the current level of stress in the men's rush process, the IFC voted unanimously on Tuesday to "crank things up a notch." With the added benefit of evaporating any sense of personal control, the new system of Greek organization - which beat out a replica Harry Potter sorting hat, a Buzzfeed personality quiz, … Continue reading IFC votes to replace bid system with omnipotent, convoluted computer algorithm

Rogue freshman follows own schedule during formal rush week

~ The Radish

Several W&L fraternities were stunned this week when an area freshman arrived at houses discordant with his schedule, also leaving before his time at each fraternity was through. In a shocking turn of events, Spalding Jameson, still smelling of the cigarette he just ripped behind Gaines, attended the dinners and desserts of each fraternity “when … Continue reading Rogue freshman follows own schedule during formal rush week

Freshman tries to show enthusiasm for W&L by signing up for the Colonnade Club, surprised by first meeting

~ The Radish

Holding 15 free t-shirts from the Activities Fair, first-year Vince Gatherton scoured the tables, perplexed. “From the moment I stepped foot on the Colonnade, I knew I wanted to come to W&L” Gatherton said. “I keep hearing about the ‘Colonnade Club,’ and I want to sign up, but there’s no table.” Noting his distress, a … Continue reading Freshman tries to show enthusiasm for W&L by signing up for the Colonnade Club, surprised by first meeting

Previously unavailable Mariah Carey named headliner for inauguration, Trump reports

~ The Radish

WASHINGTON - Using the same strong-armed diplomacy seen with Carrier and Ford, the students of Trump University, and ex-wives Ivana and Marla, President-Elect Trump has once again exercised his business acumen to get what he wants. This time, it’s 90s pop idol Mariah Carey. “I have the best words,” Trump said about the successful negotiation. … Continue reading Previously unavailable Mariah Carey named headliner for inauguration, Trump reports

Latin major realizes he better become Pope to make anything of education

~ The Radish

Greg Freeman, a sophomore Latin major with a minor in outwardly justifying his major, reportedly made the tough realization yesterday while translating Homer’s Odyssey to English, presumably for the first time in the book’s history. A second-place finisher in the South Honeydale Regional Spelling Bee three years ago, Freeman was reportedly drawn to the subject … Continue reading Latin major realizes he better become Pope to make anything of education

Sighing Hillary Clinton found skipping rocks alone along Woods Creek

~ The Radish

The forlorn former Presidential candidate was spotted Thursday by a Peer Counselor out for a jog, who, slightly concerned, described the scene. “She was just, sort of, softly crying to herself, occasionally kicking the dirt under the feet,” the Peer Counselor reported, who soon sat down beside Clinton, put an arm around her shoulder, and … Continue reading Sighing Hillary Clinton found skipping rocks alone along Woods Creek