After a recent Health Center visit for a BAC he described as “waaaaay too high, bro,” area freshman Thomas Tucker has vowed to take all life advice from W&L’s grand oracle of well-being, Student Health 101.

Tucker wakes up at 7:30 every morning and begins his day with a high-intensity workout of 10 sit-ups, 5 push-ups, and 3 burpees followed by vigorous stretching. Over a breakfast of three oranges, six tablespoons of fiber-enhanced oatmeal, whole wheat toast, and four glasses of milk, Tucker quizzes his classmates on how many years the highly processed sugar found in common cereal will take off their lives. Before each of his classes, Tucker studies the comma rules promoted by the magazine as well as practicing the breathing techniques, self-motivation exercises, and optimistic thinking circuits promoted by the magazine. During an evening in Red Square, Tucker can be seen chugging a two-gallon jug of water when he is not nursing a Keystone light (alcohol content: 4.13%).

Tucker reportedly cannot wait for his first STD test next week.

-Caroline Bones ’18