IFC votes to replace bid system with omnipotent, convoluted computer algorithm

Unsatisfied with the current level of stress in the men’s rush process, the IFC voted unanimously on Tuesday to “crank things up a notch.”

With the added benefit of evaporating any sense of personal control, the new system of Greek organization – which beat out a replica Harry Potter sorting hat, a Buzzfeed personality quiz, and a magic eight ball – not only avoids the icky face-to-face human interaction seen with the previous system, but gives first-year men several thrilling hours to run worst-case scenarios through their minds while results are being distributed. Judging by overheard maniacal laughter from the IFC conference room, one Radish reporter remarked, the eight-person committee seemed quite pleased with their handiwork.

“I guess we, um, put together a skit now?” rhetorically asked one fraternity president in response to the news, “and…maybe losing a week of break won’t be all that tough once we get used to it?”

A few rumors have begun circulating about a potential subsequent gift-giving period to erase the memory of the event, allowing it to continue into the next year.

-Ford Carson ’18

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