Unsatisfied with the current level of stress in the men’s rush process, the IFC voted unanimously on Tuesday to “crank things up a notch.”

With the added benefit of evaporating any sense of personal control, the new system of Greek organization – which beat out a replica Harry Potter sorting hat, a Buzzfeed personality quiz, and a magic eight ball – not only avoids the icky face-to-face human interaction seen with the previous system, but gives first-year men several thrilling hours to run worst-case scenarios through their minds while results are being distributed. Judging by overheard maniacal laughter from the IFC conference room, one Radish reporter remarked, the eight-person committee seemed quite pleased with their handiwork.

“I guess we, um, put together a skit now?” rhetorically asked one fraternity president in response to the news, “and…maybe losing a week of break won’t be all that tough once we get used to it?”

A few rumors have begun circulating about a potential subsequent gift-giving period to erase the memory of the event, allowing it to continue into the next year.

-Ford Carson ’18