NAPLES, FL — 77 degree temperatures, a lack of motorscooter parking, and a 3:30 a.m. wakeup time were reportedly all considerations in the choice to “go ahead and eat” for the Rudolph family Tuesday. Putt-putt, hiking, and every other fucking possibility requiring the use of hips and basic coordination were quickly voted down during an … Continue reading Inclusion of grandparents refines night’s options to sitting, eating

THIRD YEAR HOUSING — What started as a postponed party cleanup has since evolved into a full-fledged housing fixture, said M2 resident Amanda Guilero, citing a queso-lined pot that has since come into contact with discarded Lucky Charms, oatmeal, and guacamole. Guilero, making the case that the cheese will come right off after being exposed … Continue reading Roommate announces plan to let pan soak for next few weeks

“Fuck this guy,” God whispered to Himself while watching Larry Baker, 78, try to sleep through W&L’s graduation ceremony. Angling the Sun in order to create maximum blindness and discomfort, He would ensure that Larry’s grandson, senior Jared Baker, would receive as little attention as possible from his parents, who would be too busy taking … Continue reading God to glare Sun specifically in grandfather’s eyes during graduation ceremony

Nursing homes spoke and America’s largest tech company listened: larger buttons, four apps, a car alarm ringtone, waterproof and ultra ultra shockproof casing, and a minute-by-minute pollen count monitor will all be included in the all new iPhone Silver Edition, available for a limited time. Bingo. CEO Tim Cook, who reportedly spearheaded the idea following … Continue reading Apple unveils new iPhone Silver in effort to reach more elderly clientele

Having just consumed The Last Supper® with the squad, senior Anne Jamison returned to the nicest room she'd inhabit for the next decade, beginning the days-long process of stuffing everything she owned in sad little cardboard boxes. Everything, that is, that she couldn't pawn off to an unsuspecting sophomore as a "moving out deal." A … Continue reading “Only one more week!” exclaims sweating, pale senior

“She just like whispered something about an eagle in distress, then they all swooped into this coordinated like...formation. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Freshman Freddie Lowstein, still bewildered by the sleight of hand of a few hours prior, recounted the scene he’d just witnessed during Saturday night’s ΣΣΔ basement soiree. “Where did they learn … Continue reading Woman’s friends reveal Secret Service-like training when casual DFM attempts to leave dancefloor alongside her

Zipping across the day’s biggest wave with an unmatched velocity, confidence, and poise, area dough boy Freddie Muhler, 14, showed the rest of Myrtle Beach how much fun there was to be had without a boogie board. That is, of course, only if you’ve got an appropriately buoyant body type. “I’ll admit, it’s pretty amazing … Continue reading Chubby kid at the beach a damn impressive body-surfer, if we’re being honest

On the heels of an FDR-heavy winter term and a sedentary spring break, senior Jim Morrison righteously plunged into a third Donny T’s margarita in lieu of a conclusory pass/fail W&L class. “I’ve earned this,” he whispered to himself, figuring he’d give the family credit card a few more swipes before digging into his “soon-to-be-a-job, … Continue reading Spring-optioning senior armed with three-item bucket list, Busch Light

LEXINGTON - At 4:17 p.m. today, Duncan the Therapy Dog entered Leyburn with his handler, Lisa. Hold my fucking backpack, Steve, because I’m going to go get some cuddles. Consistently garnering more sellout crowds than any other G.A.B.-sponsored entertainer to date, Duncan’s tricks include sitting still, and, well yeah, that’s about it. Regardless, it’s the … Continue reading THERE IS A DOG IN LEYBURN