“She just like whispered something about an eagle in distress, then they all swooped into this coordinated like…formation. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Freshman Freddie Lowstein, still bewildered by the sleight of hand of a few hours prior, recounted the scene he’d just witnessed during Saturday night’s ΣΣΔ basement soiree.

“Where did they learn to do that? The blonde one elbowed the Natty right out of my hand!”

Apparently the result of a Dance Floor Makeout (DFM) gone wrong, the display of evasion had been performed by six upperclassmen women who seemed to have been enjoying themselves immensely only a few seconds earlier.

This reporter attempted to gather the women in question for comment on the scene of the incident, but only two had stayed behind long enough to comment. Coldly serious and with only enough time to utter a few words, they introduced themselves simply as “Hawk One” and “Hawk Two.”

Only Hawk Two gave remark, saying, “Look, I love your dress but we’re only here because we have orders to cover the rear and prevent any pursuit.”

However, all was not lost.

When spotted later that night, snacking happily in W&L’s late night co-op, the women revealed different sides of themselves. The elbowy blonde, Gretchen Yards, ’18, flagged this reporter down, obviously apologetic.

“Sorry about being so harsh earlier,” she said, “but when there’s a job to do there’s a job to do.”

She punctuated her statement with a shrug as her tall acquaintance, Margaret Kay Harper, ’17, chimed in: “Some of these frat boys can’t deal with a casual makeout. Our girl clearly wanted to leave. She gave the signal, we handled it, and now she’s over there ordering a vegetarian Sunrise.”

Misty-eyed, she glanced once more at her friend, who will live to see many similar basement parties.

“That right there. That’s why we do this.”

-Bri Shaw ‘18