God to glare Sun specifically in grandfather’s eyes during graduation ceremony

“Fuck this guy,” God whispered to Himself while watching Larry Baker, 78, try to sleep through W&L’s graduation ceremony. Angling the Sun in order to create maximum blindness and discomfort, He would ensure that Larry’s grandson, senior Jared Baker, would receive as little attention as possible from his parents, who would be too busy taking care of Larry. On top of needing a fleet of golf carts to travel anywhere on campus, dinner reservations at 4:30 p.m. or before, 20 minutes to tell individual stories, and three or four repetitions of a single sentence in order to assure comprehension, Larry, most of all, needed a shady tree to sit under.

“Tough shit,” said God in response.

Washington and Lee has announced that it will be offering additional office hours in the counseling center this weekend, open to all students, parents, and extended family expecting grandparents. Moreover, Early-Fielding will reportedly be repurposed to include a 65-and-older daycare, where families may store loved ones until further notice.

-Ford Carson ’18