Nursing homes spoke and America’s largest tech company listened: larger buttons, four apps, a car alarm ringtone, waterproof and ultra ultra shockproof casing, and a minute-by-minute pollen count monitor will all be included in the all new iPhone Silver Edition, available for a limited time. Bingo.

CEO Tim Cook, who reportedly spearheaded the idea following his mom’s 200th phone call asking how to send an email, expressed great happiness with the innovation, calling it “a team effort” and “a long time coming.” As said by one customer, “it gets rid of all the confusing apps while keeping the useful ones.”

Rumors are swirling about the new phone’s ability to sync with other parts of the house, including the thermostat, medicine cabinet, toilet, and Golf channel. Most excitingly, though, is its ability to recognize long, rambling voice commands and run for several days on a single set of D batteries. With a shake-resistant camera and a pre-set 5:30 a.m. alarm, the Silver will hit the shelves of Sears soon.

-Ford Carson ’18