NAPLES, FL — 77 degree temperatures, a lack of motorscooter parking, and a 3:30 a.m. wakeup time were reportedly all considerations in the choice to “go ahead and eat” for the Rudolph family Tuesday. Putt-putt, hiking, and every other fucking possibility requiring the use of hips and basic coordination were quickly voted down during an impromptu brainstorming session.

Pleased with the group decision to attend his first-choice restaurant, Henry Rudolph, 81, reiterated the importance of keeping family a #1 priority between pick-up lines directed at the waitress.

“These are the moments I live for,” he said, having all but detached emotionally from his wife, Lisa, of 53 years. “Just me, my kids, and — yeah, lemme get a little more garlic bread when you’ve got a chance — a whole afternoon to shoot the breeze.”

Although having called the evening’s plans “fluid,” Rudolph had mentally budgeted a few hours for sending an email via iPhone, walking to the living room, and taking a loud, in-and-out nap. “Don’t let me get in the way,” he selflessly repeated to the group, keeping the choice between Casablanca and Men In Black II wide open for the rest of the room.

—Ford Carson ’18