Local sorority caught in grand embezzlement scheme

In a shocking turn of events, Hope Smith and Lizzy Warren, President and Vice President of the sorority formerly known as the Zetas, were arrested on multiple charges of embezzlement.

As has been kept incredibly tight-lipped over the past week and a half, Zeta had engineered a campaign to disaffiliate its chapter from its nationals, bolstered by promises of greater autonomy, freedom, and social status. Despite not allowing recent new members to cast ballots, the Zetas voted nearly unanimously to approve the measures.

“I thought I was joining a sorority, not a group of GDIs,” exclaimed a visibly sour Ashley Blynn.

Upon signing all of the accompanying paperwork, the sorority formerly known as the Zetas were immediately pleased with releasing themselves from years of “sorority bondage.” Not until later, however, did it come to light that these moves were part of a greater attempt by Smith and Warren to liquidate the Zeta bank accounts for personal gain.

**On a related note, Gamma Delta Iota has officially reported a pledge class of about 100 women. When asked about what was so successful for their formal rush this year, President Cassidy Thorn responded, “the principles our sorority stands for are apparently ones the new-members embody as well.” Is this shift in sorority power coincidental? Will there have to be a change of name for the once-cherished Kappa Hill? Stay tuned.

-Jason Renner ‘19