The news that University Cleaners is currently under investigation by the DEA sent shockwaves through the campus. When asked about the charges and the attention from law enforcement, Manager Dennis LePore, appearing more flustered than Winona Ryder in every Stranger Things episode, explained the issue that caught the eye of the law enforcement agents. "Well, … Continue reading University Cleaners respond to criminal allegations

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This Venus cycle will amp up your charm and ability to attract anyone! Wait, no, anyone but that person, sorry. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your blindly optimistic twelfth house will have you anticipating a breezy registration period, but reality will soon set in. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – … Continue reading Your Horoscopes — Week of November 9, 2017

To Whom It May Concern: While I am flattered that my (completely innocent and unassuming) mistake made quite a stir on the evening of November 6th, I take this time to type an additional cumbersome and unnecessary response to quell the aforementioned chatter. To those who thought the reply all in question was intentional, I … Continue reading Inept area sorority girl replies all to entire university

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Your overly theatrical house will be desperate for attention this week, but making your finsta public will never be the answer. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): A full moon in your house of fitness will inspire signing up for a Saturday 8 am yoga class that you will … Continue reading Your Horoscopes — Week of November 2, 2017

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 1): It's Scorpio Season, so celebrate! Take some deserved 'you' time and scar yourself with a solo horror movie screening. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): The Sun will be moving into your house of mystery, meaning that no one will recognize your costume and you'll be left explaining the … Continue reading Your Horoscopes — Week of October 26, 2017

MAIN STREET, LEXINGTON — Gremlins, goblins, ghouls, and just about anything else available in bulk order from Amazon Prime will be, once again, on makeup-smeared display this weekend, having somehow lost the original sense of magic that went with the costume. A sight as unique as it is annual, the trek is also expected to … Continue reading Fantastic assortment of mythical creatures to constitute weekend’s walk of shame

It’s that time of year again. The pressure to have that group costume consisting of the perfect mix between funny and creative is, tragically, almost upon us. And no matter how many times you suggest Mother Teresa, your hyper-politically (religiously?) correct friends just will not have it. No one wants to cover their body with … Continue reading Friend groups crumble across campus as Halloween and demand for group costumes lingers closer

While fall for many inspires cheerful thoughts of changing foliage, Halloween, and family touch-football-soon-leading-to-sprained-ankles backyard contests, the change of seasons here at W&L is remarkable for a much different reason. Akin to the animal kingdom, where animals grow a little extra fluff to keep warm for brisk fall breeze, local sorority girls everywhere are swamping … Continue reading Fall in Lexington Leads to Global Shortage in Barbour Jackets, Lululemon Leggings, and Bean Boots

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your fiscal house will light up this week, along with your credit card fraud alerts. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 1): Overambitious Mars will bring the urge for a fresh look, but Lexington is not known for its tattoo parlors. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your eleventh house … Continue reading Your Horoscopes — Week of October 19, 2017