University Cleaners respond to criminal allegations

The news that University Cleaners is currently under investigation by the DEA sent shockwaves through the campus. When asked about the charges and the attention from law enforcement, Manager Dennis LePore, appearing more flustered than Winona Ryder in every Stranger Things episode, explained the issue that caught the eye of the law enforcement agents.

“Well, turns out that the amount of plastic wrap we use makes the laundry bundles look an awful lot like cocaine packages. I guess the DEA thought we might be moving and selling hundreds of pounds of coke each week.”

LePore revealed that the Cleaners’ enormous stash of plastic wrap might have to be done away with permanently in favor of a different packaging method. Options allegedly include aluminum foil, industrial-sized plastic baggies, and even leftover gift wrap from last Christmas.

“Our system was going so great,” LePore lamented as he called one of the business’ lawyers. “It’s a real shame it had to end like this.”

–Julia Habiger ’21