Fantastic assortment of mythical creatures to constitute weekend’s walk of shame

MAIN STREET, LEXINGTON — Gremlins, goblins, ghouls, and just about anything else available in bulk order from Amazon Prime will be, once again, on makeup-smeared display this weekend, having somehow lost the original sense of magic that went with the costume. A sight as unique as it is annual, the trek is also expected to include a automobile-based contingent from Windfall, brought to you by The Nice Guys™ and girls without a low-key friend driving at that time.

“Wings, clip-on ears, tail, check, check, check,” Laura Nelly, ’19, whispered to herself upon waking up, deftly gathering her belongings before bolting home by 6:30 a.m. to remove her contacts. “I’ll probably just carry my shoes at this point.”

Having lost her swipe on a Traveller bus more fitting for a Dr. Seuss novel, Nelly sought refuge in her cracked iPhone 7, which had 4% battery — just enough to monitor about a half-dozen pledge class photo shoots across social media, she calculated. Nelly, avoiding elderly power-walkers as intently as early-to-rise housemates, relegated laundry, three papers, volunteer obligations, and a phone call home to tonight, moving THE GOD DAMN THREE COOKOUT CHICKEN NUGGETS STILL IN THE FRIDGE THANK GODDD to a first priority.

“Shit,” she thought, “Halloween’s not until Tuesday.”

—Ford Carson ‘18