LEXINGTON — W&L’s Student Government JV squad came down with perhaps its harshest ruling to date Tuesday, unanimously opting for a prolonged mean look over a random amount of community service. Following ten minutes’ deliberation in the body’s second such meeting, the SJC found John Potter, ’20, guilty of both running in the hallways and … Continue reading SJC to add “disappointed glare” to arsenal of available reprimands
What follows is a careful analysis of the social pecking order for the 2017-2018 school year, compiled by our analysts using a top secret ranking methodology. 1. Beta 2. Chi Psi 3. FIJI 4. KA 5. Kappa Sig 6. Lambda 7. Phi Delt 8. Phi Society 9. Pi Phi 10. Pike 11. Sigma Chi 12. … Continue reading Fuck it, Let’s Just Rank the Fraternities and Get it Over With
LEXINGTON — With burning eyes, an aching head, and a dissipating container of Halo Top ice cream, Abby Milton, 20, ventured deeper into the next ring of Internet oblivion via YouTube recommended videos. Having timed out of Netflix twice already, Milton spotted her own pitiful reflection out of the corner of her laptop screen, silently … Continue reading “The basics of raising quail” marks nice stopping point for night’s YouTube expedition
NAPLES, FL — 77 degree temperatures, a lack of motorscooter parking, and a 3:30 a.m. wakeup time were reportedly all considerations in the choice to “go ahead and eat” for the Rudolph family Tuesday. Putt-putt, hiking, and every other fucking possibility requiring the use of hips and basic coordination were quickly voted down during an … Continue reading Inclusion of grandparents refines night’s options to sitting, eating
THIRD YEAR HOUSING — What started as a postponed party cleanup has since evolved into a full-fledged housing fixture, said M2 resident Amanda Guilero, citing a queso-lined pot that has since come into contact with discarded Lucky Charms, oatmeal, and guacamole. Guilero, making the case that the cheese will come right off after being exposed … Continue reading Roommate announces plan to let pan soak for next few weeks
LEXINGTON — Booster seats, shoulder belts, and five-point buckles were all included in Traveller’s surprise announcement yesterday, all apparently in an attempt to ensure the continued safety of a shorter-than-average male student population. “We jumped at the chance to work alongside both the University and the Panhellenic Council, who were equally enthusiastic about implementing these … Continue reading Traveller fleet updated to better accommodate average-sized W&L male
“Fuck this guy,” God whispered to Himself while watching Larry Baker, 78, try to sleep through W&L’s graduation ceremony. Angling the Sun in order to create maximum blindness and discomfort, He would ensure that Larry’s grandson, senior Jared Baker, would receive as little attention as possible from his parents, who would be too busy taking … Continue reading God to glare Sun specifically in grandfather’s eyes during graduation ceremony
Nursing homes spoke and America’s largest tech company listened: larger buttons, four apps, a car alarm ringtone, waterproof and ultra ultra shockproof casing, and a minute-by-minute pollen count monitor will all be included in the all new iPhone Silver Edition, available for a limited time. Bingo. CEO Tim Cook, who reportedly spearheaded the idea following … Continue reading Apple unveils new iPhone Silver in effort to reach more elderly clientele
Having just consumed The Last Supper® with the squad, senior Anne Jamison returned to the nicest room she'd inhabit for the next decade, beginning the days-long process of stuffing everything she owned in sad little cardboard boxes. Everything, that is, that she couldn't pawn off to an unsuspecting sophomore as a "moving out deal." A … Continue reading “Only one more week!” exclaims sweating, pale senior
The Radish 