Author: The Radish

Gary Johnson receives much-needed boost in polls following Ring-tum Phi projection

~ The Radish

Third-party supporters across the country are rejoicing after Johnson’s unprecedented 14-point leap in the 2016 Presidential race, which is being attributed to the Ring-tum Phi’s groundbreaking PollsPlus model. Already being hailed as the industry standard in meticulous data collection, the model has been widely lauded for its attention to detail and ability to capture a … Continue reading Gary Johnson receives much-needed boost in polls following Ring-tum Phi projection

Donald Trump returns to W&L, demands re-count of Mock Con delegation votes

~ The Radish

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump made an unexpected visit to campus last week. Panic soon broke out as his private helicopter landed on Cannan Green, disrupting the third sorority pancake brunch of the year. He immediately began stopping students, looking for “ the mock con artists” while vigorously writing checks. Sources say he was heard … Continue reading Donald Trump returns to W&L, demands re-count of Mock Con delegation votes

New Traveller route to run between Graham-Lees and Leyburn following student complaints

~ The Radish

To a lukewarm Board of Trustees, W&L’s President calmly explained the advantages of the expensive move, clearly hoping to add the cherry on top of his impressive legacy. Although currently a little unsure of the logistics, the President deemed it “very important” to accommodate W&L’s ever-changing population in this way. “It’s about damn time – … Continue reading New Traveller route to run between Graham-Lees and Leyburn following student complaints

Student Health Center: Witnesses state that guy just came in and grabbed like five condoms

~ The Radish

“It was alarming, actually,” Heath Woods said upon catching a glimpse of the sprinting mystery student in action. “He didn’t even make eye contact with anyone, just turned to the basket of condoms and started shoveling a few into his pockets. I don’t know why anyone would even need that many.” The unidentifiable student reportedly … Continue reading Student Health Center: Witnesses state that guy just came in and grabbed like five condoms

Area freshman really starting to notice those gains after some stoic self-reflection in the locker room

~ The Radish

Chauncey Pummlesworth IV has made a renewed commitment to his physical fitness. For the last two weeks, the former all-County tennis, golf, and squash star has “really been getting after it” in the Fitness Center, challenging his body with a voluminous, low-eight, high-rep routine. Starting towards the back at a squat rack, Pummlesworth curls through … Continue reading Area freshman really starting to notice those gains after some stoic self-reflection in the locker room

Student admitted to elite liberal arts university unable to discern between “Reply,” “Reply-All”

~ The Radish

Remarking that he was unclear about the nature of the two options appearing above each of his e-mails, First-Year W&L Student Jason Pitts, originally recruited for his exceptional leadership experience and demonstrated intellectual prowess, admitted his inability to discern between “Reply” and “Reply All.” “At first, I was just using the ‘Reply’ button when I … Continue reading Student admitted to elite liberal arts university unable to discern between “Reply,” “Reply-All”

Course offerings updated to include Sociology 396: Field Studies at Rockbridge Walmart

~ The Radish

On Wednesday, the Sociology department announced the exciting addition as a way of bridging the practical with the theoretical. Students enrolled in the class will spend their time rotating through various departments of the 40,000 square foot laboratory to study the highest form of human interaction and intellectual exchange. Professor Thomas Ball came up with … Continue reading Course offerings updated to include Sociology 396: Field Studies at Rockbridge Walmart

Brew Boycott: Co-op to stop offering coffee until students stop making jokes about their coffee consumption

~ The Radish

Co-op workers have finally put their foot down over the recent rise in caffeine-related jokes among the student body. All over campus there have been reports of students bragging about the sheer volume of caffeine that they have ingested, some of it even after 10pm. Campus-wide Snapchat analysis has supported the claim, with a notable … Continue reading Brew Boycott: Co-op to stop offering coffee until students stop making jokes about their coffee consumption

Lukewarm Busch Light really turns freshman’s night around

~ The Radish

Freshman Sean Perkins reported having “sort of a shitty time” last Friday night until finding a room temperature can of Busch Light in a box previously thought to be empty. Perkins described the party held in the basement of a local fraternity house as “pretty bottom tier” and “lame” until spotting the silver and blue … Continue reading Lukewarm Busch Light really turns freshman’s night around