Student Health Center: Witnesses state that guy just came in and grabbed like five condoms

“It was alarming, actually,” Heath Woods said upon catching a glimpse of the sprinting mystery student in action. “He didn’t even make eye contact with anyone, just turned to the basket of condoms and started shoveling a few into his pockets. I don’t know why anyone would even need that many.” The unidentifiable student reportedly did not even bother grabbing for a diversity of brands, instead just opting for whatever was sitting on the top of the bowl. At press time, Woods himself was reported eyeing his hall’s basket of condoms, muttering something about needing a traveler or two. –Win Gustin ‘20