Double-fisting crab cakes at yesterday’s monthly supper club meeting, area dad Larry Jennings, 52, reportedly flashed his signature “you know why I’m here” smile when he was asked about dessert (his forte). The sole member of his party to indulge, Jennings spoke for the table when he said it was “no bother” that his soufflé would … Continue reading Area dad grins dangerously when asked if he “saved room for dessert”
Holding two bacon sunrises, three Clif bars, and a Vitamin Water, Hendrick Malony blew billowing smoke off of his oft-swiped student ID card like a used pistol. Malony, who described normal mealtime as “bland,” “a waste,” and “time-consuming” did not worry himself with questions like, “Can these Flex dollars roll over into the winter semester?” “Not … Continue reading $225 semester FoodFlex allowance reportedly no match for area freshman
Barbarically gnawing through his cold D-hall sandwich, Brian Lewis's jaw suddenly halted, reportedly giving way to a derisive grin as he heard a university tour guide outlining the meal plan to a group of high-schoolers with a usual delusional optimism. Commenting regretfully on the event, Brian recalls: "I wanted to believe the guide, about all … Continue reading Student chuckles cynically to self upon overhearing tour guide outlining meal plan
Faculty, parents, townspeople, and even students agree, amenities such as hardwood floors and stone countertops are highly irregular in today’s student housing. “Irregular is right,” complains sophomore Hunter Whitworth, with his head still pounding from a long night celebrating the homecoming win in The Village. “I’m usually THE MAN on painted plywood,” he boasts, referring to … Continue reading Don’t take those countertops for granite: 3rd-year housing residents complain about bad hops in beer pong
Determined to make a real, meaningful splash in college, Ashley signed up to write Odyssey Online articles to distance herself from the crowd. After a couple of weeks of brainstorming and research, pulling mainly from Buzzfeed articles but also consulting @CommonWhiteGirlTweets, Ashley came up with the groundbreaking idea to do a listicle on the Odyssey. … Continue reading Odyssey Online today, WSJ tomorrow – student sets sights high after listicle gets 5 shares on Facebook
Market analysis shows that yesterday’s election may have drastic effects on the economy, but one sector will be doing a little bit better than fine. Liquor companies, particularly the Aristocrat Group Corporation, foresee stock prices to surge well past their already successful margins and expect to remain at an all-time high for “at least” the … Continue reading 100.00% of Americans not drunk enough for yesterday
Sighing gently while dropping her sealed ballot in the mailbox, Brady Hinkler took some solace in the fact that her complimentary painkillers would take some of the edge off of her splitting headache. “Both options are just so terrible,” she said in disbelief as she hurriedly knocked back her free shot. Paired with a travel-sized … Continue reading New “Vote+” absentee ballots to include complimentary Tylenol, tissues, and shot of whiskey
What better resource than scripture is available for us when we need a little love and support? This article has a collection of God’s wisdom for women who need a little pick me up. “Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they … Continue reading 11 beautiful Bible verses for every woman who needs love and support
"Slick Joey" Biden slipped past a pack of campus security officers again this week and reached Tucker Hall in all his nude glory for a record ninth time. "He's a blur," said a wheezing, frustrated Officer Trupane. "He's in better shape than he looks. I wish he'd just stay the hell out of Lexington." Basking on the … Continue reading “Elusive” Joe Biden streaks Colonnade for ninth time
The Radish 