Holding two bacon sunrises, three Clif bars, and a Vitamin Water, Hendrick Malony blew billowing smoke off of his oft-swiped student ID card like a used pistol. Malony, who described normal mealtime as “bland,” “a waste,” and “time-consuming” did not worry himself with questions like, “Can these Flex dollars roll over into the winter semester?” “Not for Co-op VIPs,” he smugly thought to himself, unaware that not a single Co-op employee neither knew nor cared that he did not go by his first name, David. Malony, who gets annoyed at other patrons who must briefly pause and think about their un-memorized write-in orders, can usually be found sitting at a four-top by himself while keeping both eyes peeled for an unsuspecting RA to lend out a charity swipe. –Ford Carson ‘18