New “Vote+” absentee ballots to include complimentary Tylenol, tissues, and shot of whiskey

Sighing gently while dropping her sealed ballot in the mailbox, Brady Hinkler took some solace in the fact that her complimentary painkillers would take some of the edge off of her splitting headache. “Both options are just so terrible,” she said in disbelief as she hurriedly knocked back her free shot. Paired with a travel-sized pack of Kleenex to dry teary eyes, the pills and alcohol, provided as a nicety from the Federal Elections Commission, are hoped to increase voter participation especially in millennials. “I really just wish I weren’t old enough to vote,” Hinkler said longingly, thinking back to a time when she could just laugh about the economy “being in the toilet” and move forward without any emotional repercussions from her ballot. -Anna Kate Benedict ’20 & Ford Carson ’18.