Faculty, parents, townspeople, and even students agree, amenities such as hardwood floors and stone countertops are highly irregular in today’s student housing.  “Irregular is right,” complains sophomore Hunter Whitworth, with his head still pounding from a long night celebrating the homecoming win in The Village. “I’m usually THE MAN on painted plywood,” he boasts, referring to the more conventional gaming surface on which he regularly dominates.

Having recorded the lowest shooting percentage of his career, Whitworth blames the counter’s surface color and glare, which tend to obscure traces of dried food and vomit. On hearing dozens of similar complaints, the housing director urges stricter pre-game hygiene and suggests a mandatory dry practice round to limit home field advantage. –Anonymous