Market analysis shows that yesterday’s election may have drastic effects on the economy, but one sector will be doing a little bit better than fine. Liquor companies, particularly the Aristocrat Group Corporation, foresee stock prices to surge well past their already successful margins and expect to remain at an all-time high for “at least” the next four years. “The American people need us now more than ever” one spokesperson said, with the intentions of ramping up production of their most popular beverages, nail polish remover. Another liquor company, Skinny Girl Cocktails, just released a “Nasty Woman Margarita” line featuring pantsuit-shaped bottles which will retail for the low price of your dignity. Hungover since 2008, one Trump supporter has pre-ordered several bottles of the new cocktail, but is keeping an optimistic eye out for a rumored “Bad Hombre” tequila.

The surge in alcoholism is not only improving liquor sales, but has improved other job markets, including Uber, with recent data showing surge pricing to any venue claiming to have liquor, and nannying, where a mother like Claudine may call in a baby sitter so she could instead “share a few bottles of wine” with herself. –Kyle Brophy ‘20