“Slick Joey” Biden slipped past a pack of campus security officers again this week and reached Tucker Hall in all his nude glory for a record ninth time.

“He’s a blur,” said a wheezing, frustrated Officer Trupane. “He’s in better shape than he looks. I wish he’d just stay the hell out of Lexington.”

Basking on the lawn for several minutes before re-suiting, Biden chuckled softly to himself with the knowledge that he had just smashed his personal record by 1.47 seconds.

Onlookers reportedly took a pass when Biden reached out for a high five. –Ford Carson ‘18