Author: The Radish

Sweaty, drunk freshman feeling “pretty good” about chances with senior at basement party

~ The Radish

Three shotgunned beers deep at the crowded basement party, freshman Gary Scott is reportedly getting some "good vibes" from senior Laura Parks. "Yeah, I bumped into her in line for the bathroom and she seemed pretty into me," Scott said, with t-shirt perspiration stains quickly becoming too large to ignore. "We talked, like, a ton." … Continue reading Sweaty, drunk freshman feeling “pretty good” about chances with senior at basement party

Traveller’s ghost comes home to stables, disappointed to find two Mercedes still there

~ The Radish

After spending some time retracing his steps in a national tour of Civil War battlefields and following Kanye’s (recently cancelled) St. Pablo Tour, the ghost of Robert E. Lee’s horse Traveller came home to his final resting place at Washington and Lee University. However, upon ascending the Washington Street hill, the ghost neighed in sadness … Continue reading Traveller’s ghost comes home to stables, disappointed to find two Mercedes still there

Clif® food scientists unveil “not enough time for any meal” 2500g protein bar

~ The Radish

Following a string of student complaints about not having time to consume pre-paid, pre-cooked meals in the dining hall, the Clif® corporation designed the new bar with the intention to substitute a week’s worth of food with a “single serving of awesome.” Judging by the unanimously positive student reviews, it may have hit the jackpot. “Yeah,” … Continue reading Clif® food scientists unveil “not enough time for any meal” 2500g protein bar

University to add “Microwaves and How to Use Them” seminar to O-week following many, many fire alarms

~ The Radish

After Red Thursday, in which three fire alarms were set off in Graham-Lee’s in one day, the University decided to crack down on extraneous fire alarms by adding a brand-new component to the O-Week curriculum. “‘Microwaves and How to Use Them’ is going to be a comprehensive look at the proper usage of microwave ovens … Continue reading University to add “Microwaves and How to Use Them” seminar to O-week following many, many fire alarms

God to postpone all winter weather ahead of anticipated Bean Boot shortage

~ The Radish

In a surprise statement on Monday, God announced He will defer all plans to inflict snow, sleet, and ice on Lexington until L.L. Bean can meet demand for its signature Bean Boots. The Almighty Being released a brief edict to creation stating it would be cruel to subject college students to flurries and ‘really cold … Continue reading God to postpone all winter weather ahead of anticipated Bean Boot shortage

Area freshman “doesn’t need to be health centered, just taken home” between episodes of vomiting

~ The Radish

Following two hours of Aristocrat shots with three hallmates in his dormroom, 115-pound Chad was spotted at 9:04 p.m. EST stumbling to his first pregame of the evening. Soon brought back at 9:17 p.m. EST by a friend and two charitable, unknown upperclassmen, Chad was in prime condition to “keep the party going” with one … Continue reading Area freshman “doesn’t need to be health centered, just taken home” between episodes of vomiting

Area Facebook user sucked into three-hour Tasty™ video trance

~ The Radish

“1:37 a.m.,” Trisha Lewis’ bedroom clock read as she turned around to check the time. A considerable portion of her night, she realized, had been spent watching foreign hands mix cookie dough. Having convinced herself that she would take a brief break between parts 16m and 16n of her calculus worksheet, Lewis reportedly hit trouble … Continue reading Area Facebook user sucked into three-hour Tasty™ video trance

Woods creek residents offered $20 from facilities to “keep this mold between us”

~ The Radish

An unnamed Woods Creek resident pulled out her trusty Rainbow flipflops yesterday, only to find they were covered in mold. Shocked, the resident looked around and realized that there was mold on her walls that she hadn’t noticed before. “That explains my 5 diagnoses of pink eye this semester” laughed the resident, nervously. After pondering … Continue reading Woods creek residents offered $20 from facilities to “keep this mold between us”