Clif® food scientists unveil “not enough time for any meal” 2500g protein bar

Following a string of student complaints about not having time to consume pre-paid, pre-cooked meals in the dining hall, the Clif® corporation designed the new bar with the intention to substitute a week’s worth of food with a “single serving of awesome.” Judging by the unanimously positive student reviews, it may have hit the jackpot.

“Yeah,” said a visibly uncomfortable Sarah O’Dell, “it’s pretty filling.”

Portable, available in six different flavors, and expected to draw particular praise from pre-med students, the unique meal replacement solution is also totally devoid of fiber.

FDA spokesman Peter Simpson did not wish to comment on the product.

-Ford Carson ’18, image by Emerson Scheinuk ’17