Area freshman “doesn’t need to be health centered, just taken home” between episodes of vomiting

Following two hours of Aristocrat shots with three hallmates in his dormroom, 115-pound Chad was spotted at 9:04 p.m. EST stumbling to his first pregame of the evening.

Soon brought back at 9:17 p.m. EST by a friend and two charitable, unknown upperclassmen, Chad was in prime condition to “keep the party going” with one shoe, a partially-buttoned shirt, and mostly-closed eyes that opened slightly at the mention of his name. Holding onto the evening as tightly as his lukewarm Busch Light, Chad opened his mouth to protest boarding Trav, but proceeded to projectile vomit instead.

“Ah man” he said slowly, noting the inopportune timing of his purge but the “better” feeling in his stomach. Noting the glares they were receiving from fellow Trav-goers, it was time, Kevin decided, to get his shit together for him; and bring him to the Health Center. “NahI’mGood,” Chad said with purpose, bringing to everyone’s attention that he was not, in fact, a child, but, like, yeah he was.

Awaking the next morning with a beating head, Chad protested Kevin’s “selfish” move between dry heaves. At the time of this writing, Chad had a record of 0-13 in successfully transitioning from the pregame to the actual game.

-Lex Jordan ‘19