University to add “Microwaves and How to Use Them” seminar to O-week following many, many fire alarms

After Red Thursday, in which three fire alarms were set off in Graham-Lee’s in one day, the University decided to crack down on extraneous fire alarms by adding a brand-new component to the O-Week curriculum.

“‘Microwaves and How to Use Them’ is going to be a comprehensive look at the proper usage of microwave ovens and typical foods students like to heat up in them,” said Public Safety in a statement issued Monday. “Hopefully we can stop the pandemic of students setting off these alarms with overcooked popcorn, tinfoil, and water-less Easy Mac.”

“I feel like this is gonna be such a waste of time,” argued George Barter as he stood outside for forty-five minutes with two hundred other freshmen at 2 am Thursday. “Why can’t they just treat us like responsible adults?”

Authorities would later point out that it was Mr. Barter’s microwaved take-out container from Tongs that had set off the fire alarm.

If the seminar is successful, the Administration hopes to include future seminars on “The Dangers of Curling Irons” and “Sprinkler Heads: What are They?” in order to further prevent unnecessary fire alarms.

-Chris Baumgarten ’19