Sitting in stunned silence, 20 students nervously looked around this morning when Professor Smirt asked the first question about last night’s reading. Given only a quarter of the class had even purchased the assigned text, everyone reportedly shifted uncomfortably in their seats for an excruciating 30 seconds before 19-year-old Teague Martin heroically broke the silence. An … Continue reading Breaking the silence: student participates in discussion no one did reading for

Remarking how nice it is to feel important again, Hugh Stuffington walked down the Colonnade with a renewed sense of self-worth. “Hugh has arrived,” he thought to himself as he unloaded all one of his bags from his 2004 Toyota Odyssey. Having graduated this past May with a Strategic Communications degree, Stuffington, who is reportedly … Continue reading Young alum enjoying brief celebrity status before returning to parents’ basement

Many Woods Creek residents have created a floating community entirely supported by intertwined River Rats in order to escape the totalitarian conditions of their housing. The Maury-based group, about 200 in number, has reported 38 cases of seasonal allergies, 17 instances of the flu, and two deaths thus far. “My 96 rolls of one-ply toilet … Continue reading Spike in allergy diagnoses in Woods Creek residents as temperatures reach into the upper 90s

Ascending slowly from the fourth floor of the library, Shane Lurenas felt the tinge of his atrophied legs, calloused writing hand, and light-sensitive pale skin. “I’ve missed so much,” he whispered to himself, noticing students on hoverboards and wearing cordless headphones. Really the only thing that had not changed, Lurenas noted, was the fact that … Continue reading Pre-med student unaware campus geography has changed since he last entered library

When Gretchen Ewert said, “this econ class is pretty much the orgo of my major,” Paul Henderson looked up. After a long day of Snapchatting his friends the problem set he had not yet done, he had had it. “I spread too many blank pieces of paper across my prominent tabletop for you to act … Continue reading Unassuming business major verbally accosted in co-op line by science major raising awareness of his workload as midterms approach

“Getting around gets difficult, especially without Uber, Lyft, or really anything besides the slave labor of 18-year-olds,” said Cabins resident Anthony Frewt in a telephone interview yesterday. Frewt optimistically listed perks of the Cabins that outweigh their hilarious location, including a beautiful interior and an ideal pregame locale, even if no one can make it. “It’s … Continue reading With the cessation of Traveller City Line, cabins residents have found themselves cabin’ it home more often