Spike in allergy diagnoses in Woods Creek residents as temperatures reach into the upper 90s

Many Woods Creek residents have created a floating community entirely supported by intertwined River Rats in order to escape the totalitarian conditions of their housing. The Maury-based group, about 200 in number, has reported 38 cases of seasonal allergies, 17 instances of the flu, and two deaths thus far. “My 96 rolls of one-ply toilet paper are difficult to do without, too,” said a frustrated Grant Humberry, “but we’ll stay tough.” –Emerson Scheinuk & Ford Carson