Author: The Radish

Real analysis office hours boast higher turnout than second half of football game

~ The Radish

Six remaining fans enjoyed the second half thrill of quarterback Chet Wickers’ 2-for-3 clutch passing performance, highlighted by a nine-yard bomb that resulted in a huge first down for the Generals. When asked about the major play, diehard fan Steve von Gilligan gushed, “Sorry, I was checking my phone,” briefly mentioning that a backrest on … Continue reading Real analysis office hours boast higher turnout than second half of football game

I swear if this professor shows us another picture of his infant daughter

~ The Radish

Professor Jeaux Noyer, 28, transitioned smoothly from the topic of Abraham Lincoln to his infant daughter again in class today. Noyer, who was recently seen donning a cashmere cardigan, seems to be handling the newfound responsibility well but would not comment on his plans for Friday or Saturday nights. Noyer’s “…unless you have a 10-month-old!” … Continue reading I swear if this professor shows us another picture of his infant daughter

Professor continues finding ancient texts as helpless student slowly backs out of office hours

~ The Radish

What had started as an unsuccessful plea for a grade boost turned into a discussion about the entire subject of history as professor Scooter Kipling selected the 1400-page “Hassell’s IV” to show to a close-to-escape Henri Drewert yesterday. “Ah, here it is,” said Kipling, not noticing Drewert’s hand on the doorknob or the double-digit number … Continue reading Professor continues finding ancient texts as helpless student slowly backs out of office hours

iTunes loyalist likely the kind of kid who got really into Kony 2012

~ The Radish

Peter Glub isn’t mad at your decision to viciously rip off artists for less than they are worth on Spotify, he’s just disappointed. “Paying $1.29 to thank my favorite musical talents for their services is the least I can do,” said Glub, who proudly volunteers for one hour each week at the local SPCA. When … Continue reading iTunes loyalist likely the kind of kid who got really into Kony 2012

Peer counselor not even trying at this point with pitiful array of Kroger-brand cookies

~ The Radish

With the knowledge that food is her only hope at talking to anyone on her hall, Peer Counselor Molli Pender’s substandard Kroger purchase has many scratching their heads. “Damn,” said resident Sarah Yvellis, who depends on Pender’s weekly offering of fats and sugar to fill in the blanks left by D-Hall’s all-you-can-eat buffet. It is … Continue reading Peer counselor not even trying at this point with pitiful array of Kroger-brand cookies

Smug professor admires handiwork as entire class sits in a damp, windy, blindingly bright semicircle outside

~ The Radish

“It’s so important to me to focus on all types of students,” Professor Nort Pastan said to his distracted class, all diverted by their scattered papers and all sitting in respective semi-casual, not-too-revealing “Indian style” positions. Rotating between lying back on his elbows and resting his chin on his fist, student Robert Mubert reportedly "very much" … Continue reading Smug professor admires handiwork as entire class sits in a damp, windy, blindingly bright semicircle outside

Oatmeal raisin cookie looked an awful lot like chocolate chip

~ The Radish

“I’m not even sure what to believe any more,” said a teary-eyed Lonny Jacoby, who has since been seen staring longingly into the distance from a friendless D-Hall table. One of Jacoby’s classmates recounted the ordeal, describing Jacoby’s awkward realization that he could not put down the cookie once he had touched it, find a … Continue reading Oatmeal raisin cookie looked an awful lot like chocolate chip

Eight things you would rather talk about than your zodiac sign on this fucking coffee date

~ The Radish

Why Hillary Clinton isn’t perfect but is better than Donald Trump, largely inspired by the Odyssey online What you did(n’t do, you lazy procrastinator) over Reading Days How this one Huffington Post article is “important.” In strangely precise detail, a run-through of the people on your freshman hall Your dog, as if the absence of … Continue reading Eight things you would rather talk about than your zodiac sign on this fucking coffee date