Student Affairs reveals University Improvement Plan; relocating campus to Massachusetts 

In celebration of the one-year anniversary of third year housing, known behind closed doors as ‘Phase One,’ Student Affairs unveiled the rest of its much-anticipated university improvement plan designed to fix major stylistic issues present at Washington & Lee.

A relatively mundane Phase Two is the construction of senior housing, also expediently built and capable of accommodating the rowdiest social gatherings, provided twelve or fewer people are in attendance.

Phase Three, on the other hand, is a much more exciting change to the W&L social scene. Administrators were clear to preface the plan as not so much an elimination of Greek life, but instead a slight alteration to the school’s system to align it with the university’s social goals. All current Greek houses will soon become co-ed local organizations bearing the name of a university dean who will serve as the house’s director. Each organization will distribute scratch-and-sniff motivational stickers instead of bids, and will adhere to a specific theme such as “friendship,” “inclusion,” and “understanding.”

Finally, Phase Four will take the entire campus of Washington & Lee and drop it somewhere outside of some city in Massachusetts for prime Blue State location, where local values ensure that a university truly succeeds. During the transition, all artifacts of Lee, remembrances of Republican Mock Conventions, and professors that could be described as “frat” will be left behind in Lexington in order to reach liberal arts nirvana. The University is currently making arrangements to airlift the Colonnade to its new home.

– Caroline Bones ’18