Market analysis shows that yesterday’s election may have drastic effects on the economy, but one sector will be doing a little bit better than fine. Liquor companies, particularly the Aristocrat Group Corporation, foresee stock prices to surge well past their already successful margins and expect to remain at an all-time high for “at least” the … Continue reading 100.00% of Americans not drunk enough for yesterday

Sighing gently while dropping her sealed ballot in the mailbox, Brady Hinkler took some solace in the fact that her complimentary painkillers would take some of the edge off of her splitting headache. “Both options are just so terrible,” she said in disbelief as she hurriedly knocked back her free shot. Paired with a travel-sized … Continue reading New “Vote+” absentee ballots to include complimentary Tylenol, tissues, and shot of whiskey

What better resource than scripture is available for us when we need a little love and support? This article has a collection of God’s wisdom for women who need a little pick me up. “Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they … Continue reading 11 beautiful Bible verses for every woman who needs love and support

"Slick Joey" Biden slipped past a pack of campus security officers again this week and reached Tucker Hall in all his nude glory for a record ninth time. "He's a blur," said a wheezing, frustrated Officer Trupane. "He's in better shape than he looks. I wish he'd just stay the hell out of Lexington." Basking on the … Continue reading “Elusive” Joe Biden streaks Colonnade for ninth time

Third-party supporters across the country are rejoicing after Johnson’s unprecedented 14-point leap in the 2016 Presidential race, which is being attributed to the Ring-tum Phi’s groundbreaking PollsPlus model. Already being hailed as the industry standard in meticulous data collection, the model has been widely lauded for its attention to detail and ability to capture a … Continue reading Gary Johnson receives much-needed boost in polls following Ring-tum Phi projection

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump made an unexpected visit to campus last week. Panic soon broke out as his private helicopter landed on Cannan Green, disrupting the third sorority pancake brunch of the year. He immediately began stopping students, looking for “ the mock con artists” while vigorously writing checks. Sources say he was heard … Continue reading Donald Trump returns to W&L, demands re-count of Mock Con delegation votes