Month: November 2016

Dining Services and Bookstore to merge in effort to more efficiently overcharge students

~ The Radish

W&L’s Dining Services and Bookstore merged on Thursday following weeks of rumors and speculation, citing a shared passion for overcharging students for necessities. Soon, the new “Student Services” department will offer a ‘used’ option on Co-op’s famous loaded fries, where the customer can save a full seven cents by using a dish previously picked at … Continue reading Dining Services and Bookstore to merge in effort to more efficiently overcharge students

Local student tries in vain to be topical enough for new W&L satirical website

~ The Radish

After seeing a few incredibly relatable, definitely not forced articles being shared on Facebook from W&L’s up-and-coming news source, local student Jimmy Gibson has reportedly spent hours staring at a blank Word document. “I really want to be a part of something so worldwide and special,” remarked Gibson about his fight to be featured on … Continue reading Local student tries in vain to be topical enough for new W&L satirical website

Environmental Studies major really just winging it at this point

~ The Radish

Lexington, VA – Senior Environmental Studies major Elizabeth Quinn recently told The Radish that she has no concrete plans after graduation and is “really just winging it at this point.” “I mean, I was just winging it when I chose this major, and I’m still in the same boat two years later, so I guess … Continue reading Environmental Studies major really just winging it at this point

W&L to form Mock Electoral College in light of 2016 Presidential election

~ The Radish

Following campus protests, tears, many bottles of wine, and epic Facebook rants from previously unknown political scientists, Audrey Peters, a representative of the W&L Mock Convention, decided it was time to do something. “We thought our nomination was too crazy to be true, but we were right,” she said in reflection of 2016’s Mock Con. … Continue reading W&L to form Mock Electoral College in light of 2016 Presidential election

Genetics professor confirms Colonnade Cat is great-great-great-grandcat of George Washington

~ The Radish

Professor Tom Kellogg made the thrilling announcement late last week, ushering in a new era in the field of ancestry. After analyzing the nucleotide sequences of the two cats – something Kellogg noted to be the “easiest part” of the arduous process – Kellogg and his team reported a direct lineage between the Colonnade cat … Continue reading Genetics professor confirms Colonnade Cat is great-great-great-grandcat of George Washington

Area dad grins dangerously when asked if he “saved room for dessert”

~ The Radish

Double-fisting crab cakes at yesterday’s monthly supper club meeting, area dad Larry Jennings, 52, reportedly flashed his signature “you know why I’m here” smile when he was asked about dessert (his forte). The sole member of his party to indulge, Jennings spoke for the table when he said it was “no bother” that his soufflé would … Continue reading Area dad grins dangerously when asked if he “saved room for dessert”

$225 semester FoodFlex allowance reportedly no match for area freshman

~ The Radish

Holding two bacon sunrises, three Clif bars, and a Vitamin Water, Hendrick Malony blew billowing smoke off of his oft-swiped student ID card like a used pistol. Malony, who described normal mealtime as “bland,” “a waste,” and “time-consuming” did not worry himself with questions like, “Can these Flex dollars roll over into the winter semester?” “Not … Continue reading $225 semester FoodFlex allowance reportedly no match for area freshman

Student chuckles cynically to self upon overhearing tour guide outlining meal plan

~ The Radish

Barbarically gnawing through his cold D-hall sandwich, Brian Lewis's jaw suddenly halted, reportedly giving way to a derisive grin as he heard a university tour guide outlining the meal plan to a group of high-schoolers with a usual delusional optimism. Commenting regretfully on the event, Brian recalls: "I wanted to believe the guide, about all … Continue reading Student chuckles cynically to self upon overhearing tour guide outlining meal plan

Don’t take those countertops for granite: 3rd-year housing residents complain about bad hops in beer pong

~ The Radish

Faculty, parents, townspeople, and even students agree, amenities such as hardwood floors and stone countertops are highly irregular in today’s student housing.  “Irregular is right,” complains sophomore Hunter Whitworth, with his head still pounding from a long night celebrating the homecoming win in The Village. “I’m usually THE MAN on painted plywood,” he boasts, referring to … Continue reading Don’t take those countertops for granite: 3rd-year housing residents complain about bad hops in beer pong