Professor Tom Kellogg made the thrilling announcement late last week, ushering in a new era in the field of ancestry. After analyzing the nucleotide sequences of the two cats – something Kellogg noted to be the “easiest part” of the arduous process – Kellogg and his team reported a direct lineage between the Colonnade cat and George Washington’s Sphynx cat, Brutus. When interviewed, Dr. Kellogg highlighted the difficulties and expertise needed to make the connections.

“Our research team had so much trouble trying to catch the elusive Colonnade cat,” he said. “Not only did our traps fail to work, but the Colonnade cat appears to be immune to most tranquilizing darts. The damn thing is sneakily fast and could only be caught once we started trying to film it on Snapchat.” –Will Hardage ‘20