“Getting around gets difficult, especially without Uber, Lyft, or really anything besides the slave labor of 18-year-olds,” said Cabins resident Anthony Frewt in a telephone interview yesterday. Frewt optimistically listed perks of the Cabins that outweigh their hilarious location, including a beautiful interior and an ideal pregame locale, even if no one can make it. “It’s … Continue reading With the cessation of Traveller City Line, cabins residents have found themselves cabin’ it home more often

Professor Jeaux Noyer, 28, transitioned smoothly from the topic of Abraham Lincoln to his infant daughter again in class today. Noyer, who was recently seen donning a cashmere cardigan, seems to be handling the newfound responsibility well but would not comment on his plans for Friday or Saturday nights. Noyer’s “…unless you have a 10-month-old!” … Continue reading I swear if this professor shows us another picture of his infant daughter

What had started as an unsuccessful plea for a grade boost turned into a discussion about the entire subject of history as professor Scooter Kipling selected the 1400-page “Hassell’s IV” to show to a close-to-escape Henri Drewert yesterday. “Ah, here it is,” said Kipling, not noticing Drewert’s hand on the doorknob or the double-digit number … Continue reading Professor continues finding ancient texts as helpless student slowly backs out of office hours

“It’s so important to me to focus on all types of students,” Professor Nort Pastan said to his distracted class, all diverted by their scattered papers and all sitting in respective semi-casual, not-too-revealing “Indian style” positions. Rotating between lying back on his elbows and resting his chin on his fist, student Robert Mubert reportedly "very much" … Continue reading Smug professor admires handiwork as entire class sits in a damp, windy, blindingly bright semicircle outside

“I’m not even sure what to believe any more,” said a teary-eyed Lonny Jacoby, who has since been seen staring longingly into the distance from a friendless D-Hall table. One of Jacoby’s classmates recounted the ordeal, describing Jacoby’s awkward realization that he could not put down the cookie once he had touched it, find a … Continue reading Oatmeal raisin cookie looked an awful lot like chocolate chip

Why Hillary Clinton isn’t perfect but is better than Donald Trump, largely inspired by the Odyssey online What you did(n’t do, you lazy procrastinator) over Reading Days How this one Huffington Post article is “important.” In strangely precise detail, a run-through of the people on your freshman hall Your dog, as if the absence of … Continue reading Eight things you would rather talk about than your zodiac sign on this fucking coffee date

Apple announced the surprise move as an attempt to keep pace with more demanding younger owners. Focus groups have shown that Tinder users especially laud the addition, removing any uncertainty from early morning check-ins. In the interest of diversity, Apple has promised to make the actual human phallus available in the full spectrum of skin … Continue reading Trusted source leaks that Apple will replace eggplant emoji with actual human phallus in iOS 11