Hand Foot and Mouth Disease Back Again You Dirty Little Freaks

Far be it for us here at The Radish to kink shame, but public hygiene has once again taken a grievous hit. For the twenty-sixth time in the past four years, Hand Foot and Mouth (HFM) Disease has re-emerged. In fact, in a recent press release from the CDC, the W&L campus was cited as the premiere hotbed of the virus’s adaptation.

This revelation initially resulted in a campus-wide pledge to crack down on spread, but, after it was revealed that a stay-at-home order for anyone showing symptoms would essentially close down the c-school for the foreseeable future, restrictions were quickly lifted. What has resulted, instead, is an informational campaign backed by the health center and that one newspaper with the toilet stall posters. Graphics encourage “alcohol bath by all parties prior to any foot fetish activities” and “Masks are back? Tips and tricks for hiding your HFM outbreak.”

Townies and professors alike have communicated utter befuddlement in response to the disease’s rampant spread. “I thought [HFM] was something only babies got,” said one local shopkeeper. “It makes sense that infants don’t know to keep their toes out of their mouths, but why would highly educated college students… oh. Wait, ew.” 

“It’s perfectly normal for adolescents and young adults to experiment with their bodies and sexuality,” stated PA Andrew of the W&L Health Center when questioned on the baffling infection statistics, “but what we really want to encourage are clean and safe practices. For example, did you know that condoms, even the flavored ones we offer for free here at the HC, are large enough to fit over an entire limb? Next time you’re thinking of engaging in the horizontal tango, make sure you and your partner have the proper footwear..if you know what I mean.” 

With all this tried and true advice flooding campus, we here at the Radish felt a moral obligation to consolidate and promote safe health practices. For up-to-date information, please visit the Health Center’s page.