Dateless freshman wandering Red Square like lost child in supermarket

RED SQUARE — Having already struck out with all seven girls on his pre-orientation trip, a stag Tim Benson, ’21, sends up another prayer for a familiar face. Somewhere in the maze of halfhearted swing dancing, he figured, there was someone also looking for a complete stranger with whom to share three minutes of intimacy and four years’ regret. But where was she?

“I’m gonna take a lap,” Benson announced to his roommate, whose close companionship was also based on a love of the Redskins, a shared hometown, and a primal fear of being alone. Bringing a warm Busch Lite along for the trip, Benson first made his way to a nearby fraternity bathroom, hoping to seamlessly jump in on an upperclassman conversation along the way. No dice. After re-checking in with his roommate, he next circled the party in a counterclockwise fashion to grab as many high fives as possible. Mission accomplished. Having declared the field of romantic interests not as hot as [insert state school], Benson reportedly concluded the evening piss drunk, and way too loud, directly in front of the band.

Hungover and well-documented for fraternity slide shows, Benson faces a week’s worth of homework on a Sunday afternoon.

—Ford Carson ‘18