Bald Headed Roulette: Swimmer, VMEE, or Skinhead?

Imagine you’re walking across campus from the parking deck (that never actually has parking) to get to your first class of the day. As you pass the beloved Elrod Commons, you begin to lose your ability to see. You now realize that a ray of sunshine hits you in the eyes, as a result of it being reflected off of someone’s bald shiny head. Now fight or flight kicks in. You begin to analyze what kind of person this bald headed individual is. 

Swimmer: If this person is a W&L swimmer, then you should be safe. To tell if they are a swimmer, first you should make the observation if they are in a pool or on land. Next, you can typically recognize a swimmer if they have what appears to be large circular hickeys on their backs. However, if you have a conversation with them, it is easy to tell that their closest experience to a sexual encounter is when they swim breast stroke. Another dead give away is if they have unlimited Dhall swipes, since they are typically freshman. (Is making the freshmen swimmers shave their heads not hazing?? @DeanMcCoil )

VMEE: If you run into a VMEE, you should be safe, but you might still wanna stay away. The scary part about VMEEs is that they move in silence and always show up when you want to see them least. Most times you can find a VMEE at a Wednesday night party trying to take a freshman W&L girl back to his barrack. They can be pointed out because they travel in packs, running around W&L campus like a herd of sheep. If you are in a hurry, the quickest way to identify a VMEE is to play the National Anthem on your phone. If they salute, then unfortunately you ran into a VMEE. 

Skinhead: If you are not confident in making the assumption that this bald headed individual is either a swimmer or a VMEE, then there is the possibility of them being a skinhead. If it is MLK  weekend, then this is almost definitely a skinhead partaking in the annual racist convention for Lee-Jackson Day. If they are a far distance away, looking at their hats won’t help you, because from a distance a Swastika looks shockingly-similar to the Wasington and Lee emblem. On the other hand, if you are close to them, then you should ask them to read the nearest sign. If they can’t…  then you are in the presence of a skinhead. In this case, you should most definitely keep your distance. 

Ultimately, you should probably avoid the shiny headed ones on campus, because two out of three times you are in for an unpleasant surprise.