A Frat Boy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day  

In this, the most devout season of “Pushin’ P,” the frats of W&L are gearing up to educate their newest members on the tried-and-true methods for surviving the Valentine’s Day commotion. Whether simps or hoes, the brothers of this great campus have come together to pool some truths universally acknowledged. “It’s psychological warfare, man,” informed Dan “the Man” van Paan when questioned about the newest compulsory seminar series, “Keep Her Guessing,” for the campus’s Greek men. “You have to assert dominance early on in any romantic relationship. I personally like to ask my lady friends to use their bathrooms and then piss on any water-absorbent bathmats I come across. It takes them weeks to figure out where the pheromones are coming from and by then they’re already addicted to my territorial scent.” 

Dan is not the only General to use such wooing techniques. Sensei Bryan, the keynote speaker of the aforementioned seminar series, also advised his khaki-clad neophytes to always venture to keep the upper hand. “If she expects you to pay for a date, tell her you’re a feminist and would never disrupt her financial autonomy. If she asks you to DTR, ask her ‘what relationship?’ and proceed to adamantly deny any physical, intellectual, or emotional attraction to her. Most importantly, if you slip up and accidentally display compromising affection in her presence, immediately deny the event occurred and inquire as to her menstrual cycle and mental acuity.”

Sensei Bryan certainly comes from a lauded background, having himself been in “at least 14” relationships with women and having forty-three years’ experience traveling the Greek circuit of small Southern campuses. His other talks include “Finishing Fast: Why it’s Evolutionarily Advantageous for Men,” “Gaslighting and other Fictional Feminist Inventions,” and “The Psychology of Why She’ll Never Compare to your Mom.” In 2015, Bryan received Musk Magazine’s “Manly Man of the Month” award, a coveted prize that entails a one-time $37.50 payment and a box of small-medium sized condoms. “Honestly, I’d be lost without Sensei,” confessed freshman Frank Dunce. “I was planning on taking my girl to a mountain-top sunset picnic with hand-baked confectionery and then cuddling under the stars, but now, thanks to Sensei, I know to follow F.U.C.K.R and make her feel: Frustrated, Unsatisfied, Confused, Kookie, and Rageful.” 

In his master class “Sex with Actual, Live Women,” for which The Radish obtained exclusive press coverage, the honorable sensei encouraged his students to apply F.U.C.K.R. not only in their day-to-day experiences but also in the rare visit to the bedroom. “You never, ever, under any circumstances, should let your woman cum. You have to leave her wanting more,” explained the expert. “My personal technique for achieving peak satisfaction for myself without even the smallest satisfaction for my partner is called the Washing Machine. Essentially, you just swirl around your semi without any conscious thought. Really clunk around in there. And that’s it, guaranteed manly finish every time.” We can only hope the men of W&L can adequately implement such sage advice.