Q On Campus

Conspiracy theories have reached the colonnade. An anonymous Greek Rank poster, W, has gained an immense online following by spreading misinformation in the W&L community. W is completely entrenched in the Pro-Dudley wing of campus, raucously applauding his most recent Covid update and urging complete compliance with protocols, recently writing “True gennies are WATCHING and REPORTING” under a surprisingly sympathetic FIJI ranking.

W’s followers’ rallying cry is even more telling: “Save the taskforce,” referring to the Covid Committee. When tweeting about Traveller’s cancellation, W put it simply, “DUI deaths are the price we pay to take classes like Theatre 150 Stage management in person.” In one of the more outlandish claims, W also believes that Rex Woolridge of Generals Redoubt was doctoring tapes of Nixon, framing and defaming our greatest President, and now plans to execute the same sort of strike against President Dudley in the near future. He believes this should be dealt with by arming Pub Safe and having them patrol the President’s yard, as well as all of campus “while they’re at it.” Bowl-Cut Brian with a scoped AR-15, that’s W’s response to the group of eight that were congregating in a third-year town house, putting the “entire community” at risk.

For those at-home sleuths seeking to unmask W, there is an exhaustive list of clues. W claims to have taken six vaccine doses, have unique access to President Dudley’s thinking, and the special ability to determine “which freshmen actually go here and which ones are Rockbridge High seniors crashing the party and stealing all our chicks.” Perhaps most alarmingly, President Dudley himself has not denounced the conspiracy theorists, even after some of their most brazen stunts. Dudley returned no comment after W suggested that anyone who tests positive for Covid be put on trial for the attempted murder of a Professor. A follower of W was also seen brandishing a Glock-19 at a Townie in Wal-Mart for spreading disease to all the learned students. Additionally, he failed to respond after W’s followers surrounded Windfall, taking photos disrespecting the pong tables.

These are undoubtedly strange times on campus; all who crack a refreshing Busch Light need to beware of W’s wrath. Even you could end up on a list of students who are trying to keep campus out of the hands of Dudley’s total control. So be careful students, word is the Rockbridge county Sherriff’s Office are firmly in W’s camp and will report noise complaints straight to the fringe community. Believe you me, I’m writing this from a holding cell in Baker.

BM ‘21