Fraternities to Submit Hazing Plans to COVID Committee

It is a time-honored tradition of brotherhoods across the nation, the period in which a fledgling freshie finds himself forged in the emotionally traumatizing fires of all those who came before, destined to emerge a man. Pledges throughout these great United States, and in certain urban areas of Canada, line up to earn their stripes in this brutal display of masculinity, endurance, and a truly shocking amount of nudity. The time has come for frat boys from Alpha to Zeta to don their polos, slap on their brightest baseball caps, and polish their impressive lineup of loafers. That’s right ladies and gentlemen: it is officially open season on pledges.

Here on the Washington and Lee Campus, where beloved traditions are already under siege from antiracists and politically correct students, alike, a new challenge to the good ol’ boys’ way has emerged. The liberal agent, coronavirus, has officially delayed hazing season. The campus’s COVID Committee recently released an official statement denouncing the “promotion of social gatherings” the Greek system allegedly perpetuates. Apparently, the honorable promises of fraternity brothers to limit physical contact between members by embracing a strict “no homo” policy was deemed by the Committee to be “lacking in tangible applications.” As a result, the frats of W&L have been forced back to their respective drawing boards until such a time that they can produce a “Comprehensive, COVID-Friendly Hazing Plan” to the Committee.

“We usually make our pledges drink until one passes out, at which point the freshmen swarm and feast upon the innards of their fallen sacrifice, sucking away whatever traces of strength remain in the marrow of the weakling’s bones. All that’s left when it’s over are hollow bones and the corpse’s untouched Chubbies,” confided one remorseful Zeta Phi. He went on to clarify, “We don’t eat the Chubbies cuz, like, we’re not animals.” When asked about how his generation is adapting Zeta Phi’s proud tradition in these desperate times, the young man replied, “We’re bouncing around a few ideas right now. Chad wants us to lock the pledges naked in the shower with nothing to eat but prunes and their own feces for a weekend, just really get that good bonding time in, but Brad’s worried we’ll get shot down cuz of the lack of open-air circulation in there. Plus, we’d have to rotate the guys through in groups of six which would take forever, and we can’t have the bros who actually use the showers smelling dank.”

Needless to say, morale is low after this year’s many challenges. With the clock ticking down until pledgeship begins and the pressure to keep tradition alive stronger than ever, all eyes are on the fraternities. One can only hope these brave brotherhoods find a solution in time.

CB ‘23